The Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels

A brand new fiction. As sharp as barbed wire, but not nearly as dangerous.

Common Questions

About the Velvet Paws of Asquith

  1. Is Oscar Teabag-Dooven a real cat or just a made-up character?

    This most endearing animal is very much a real creature, and has certainly been in the adventures recounted. He is a devoted fan of composing imagist poetry, and has even had a small volume published at one stage. Although it did not sell very well. Actually not at all. Except for the copy he bought, which even he threw out shortly afterwards.

  2. Has he really got no ears?

    It is true Oscar has no ears. He lost them in Par Beguine during an extraordinary act of bravery rescuing a fellow Velvet Paw of Asquith. Although he misses them terribly, he tries to believe others see not so much his lack of ears, but the courage mustered in having lost them. Although he can still hear very well, he does at times find it hard to tell which direction sound is coming from. He often gets bits of dirt in them as well which, although annoying, does at times help with his gardening.

  3. What is 'curiosa'

    This is the term used to describe a case a Velvet Paw of Asquith is assigned to. Curiosa are assigned by the Loud Purr of Asquith and are generally covert operations of a sensitive nature. Oscar's curiosa's tend to spiral into bizarre adventures that often have his original curiosa as being the least of his concerns.

    Some Velvet Paws, perhaps bitter over Oscar's growing fame, say his success in curiosa is due more to fortune than any innate talent, especially considering Oscar's failed three times his Catacombs training.

    But Oscar is intuitive rather than merely instinctive. And creative rather than methodical. He is innately curious rather than simply obedient. If courage is modesty born from fear, then Oscar Teabag-Dooven is more worthy of his title than any other.

  4. Where is Asquith exactly? In fact where are any of these places?

    Considerably closer than you might think. Understandably (and this is not an excuse), the exact whereabouts cannot be disclosed.

  5. What the hell is a 'collapsible tummy'?

    Otherwise known as a 'field survival tummy', a collapsible tummy is an extensible skill aquired during VPoA training that permits their tummies to become collapsible--hence the term 'collapsible tummies' (it's not especially complicated).

    This allows a suprising amount of storage available on their person for specialist equipment such as Fluff genades, threaded bedsheets, and the occasional box of watercolour paints. Sometimes they are used for picnics (both tummies and the watercolours), but this is generally frowned upon. 

  6. ...or a Fluff grenade for that matter?

    These devestating canisters are standard issue VPoA equipment. When primed, there is a three second delay before they explode in a vertitable world of fluff. The fluff is contaminated with TGP, or Transient Gastric Parasitics (worms). Within minutes of exposure, the victims' bottoms become terrible itchy, rendering any animal threatening Vevet Paws to become far more preoccupied with the state of their bottoms.

    Conventional avoidance practice involves covering all available orifice's, and lunging dramatically from the cloud.

    Infection lasts from one to five weeks, depending on the prior state of one's bottom.

  7. Are any Velvet Paws dogs, or are only cats permitted?

    Without doubt, cats have more of an instinct for these sorts of VPoA  things than dogs. And I'm not being breedist or anything, but considering dogs don't even bury their pooh, they're hardly getting off on the right paw concealment-wise. Often anatomically, their tummies don't last long once collapsible either.  

  8. What's with the pantaloons?

    Oscar has some of the most amazing pantaloons I have ever seen. They even have different modes depending on the predicament he's in. Although I haven't seen it myself, I understand that in 'maximum threat mode', they become so enormous, he can't actually physically move. 

  9. What is a 'hot-fin'?

    This beverage is made from the fins of dead fish, and for Oscar a particular favourite. Infact he is somewhat of a connosuier. There is an art to making and drinking it, and knowing such rules portray an air of grace-although consuming too many hot-fins can leave the air far from graceful.

    An alternative is the 'chilled hot-fin' which is notoriously difficult to make because of the coagulation of fin that occurs at a low temperature (which its why it is always traditionally served hot). It takes a talented chef to be able to whisk it perfectly with lemon juice while it cools, the acidity of which breaks down the congealing oils and renders it instead into a wonderfully emulsive beverage.

    A badly made hot fin is not unlike poking a fish skeleton down ones throat and moving it up and down until noticing the taste of sick mixed with dead fish. Such description may well make one gag – which is precisely the reaction one tends toward with a badly made cup of hot-fin.

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About MC Tasty and DJ Pooh

  1. What on earth have these two individuals got to do with the Velvet Paws of Asquith?

    These two exceptionally talented musicians have called themselves the Velvet Paws of Asquith as a tribute to the Velvet Paws of Asquith. That’s what.

  2. Are TastyPoohs musicians real people, or made up in order to get people interested?

    MC Tasty and DJ Pooh are definitely real people and have been almost their entirely of lives. Obviously, their real names are different. No parent could be that cruel. MC Tasty’s name is actually Jefferson St Jives, whereas DJ POOh’s real name is Jonathon Michael Crappar.

  3. Is it true that MC Tasty once saved four children from a burning building in Adelaide, Australia?

    No. That is not true. There were no children in the building. And although there was a fire, MC Tasty went a long way to ensure his alibi was absolutely watertight and has since been acquitted of any involvement in the incident.

  4. Luxembourg is quite large. Is it true that MC Tasty's ego is as big as this independent country?

    Not really, no. Luxembourg has an area of nearly 150 square kilometers, and no one has yet devised a mechanism fro measuring egos. So a comparison is somewhat difficult. Quite apart from anything else, ego would likely be measured in units of volume, or perhaps degrees of irritation. Both of which would be a fundamental dimension larger than square kilometers anyway.

  5. Who is the handsome devil featuring in their video clips?

    MC Tasty features in the videos, principally because he is a brilliant actor and as you mentioned, quite handsome. Moreover, the camera lenses are really quite expensive and DJ POOh is quite fantastically ugly.

  6. MC Tasty sounds really interesting, and I like his picture. Can I go out with him?

    No. MC Tasty is not available for dates.

  7. What about DJ Pooh then?

    What about him?

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